If I could choose 10 days to give back to time, I’d choose the last ten.
Between my usual six month cancer checkup (to see if I’m still in remission or not), a relationship ending, and my brother in critical care and suffering from ICU Delirium, the stresses of my life cut through any desire to do much, including writing more than a few words.
What do you do when life rides so heavy on you that you don’t want to get out of bed?
I jotted down bits and pieces of words in my bedside journal. Sometimes it was a curse word, other days I don’t remember what I wrote until I looked back.
This is what my journal said one day:
I think we’re on the brink of change, like a jeep tottering over a cliff in an action movie. Will it fall or won’t it. Will we be saved or crash and burn? I pray and pray. I show up in life. I try to write, read, concentrate, but all I want to do is cry.
On that day I prayed continuously for my brother to progress. And then I rested and cried.
Another day my journal reminded me to take time out, be grateful, meditate, pray, take it easy. And I tried to do that.
I’m well acquainted with the valleys of life, but for the last few days it’s been particularly hard. Perhaps, it’s because I feel I’ve been hit on three sides; too many whammies at once.
It’s getting the gumption, the ganas as we say in Spanish, to move forward that eluded me.
But, I know things will get better, and I thank God I am still in remission and my brother is slowing progressing. It really is one hour at a time, then one day at a time, for a while.
Today, while returning home from the hospital, I opened my Bible scriptures app (yes, there’s an app for that):
Come to me all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest…-Matthew 11:28
I smiled at that. And then I put in my earbuds and listened to meditation music on my cell phone, while my sister drove us home. Among the soothing music a gentle voice said:
Put away the ghosts of the past, the worry about the future, and stay in the here and now. Stay in the present moment. Surrender.
Again, I felt comforted. I am encouraged.
These small acts have made a big difference. In my heart, I feel the ganas returning.
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